Trying not to hug that balance beam to tight!

Juddah's doctor appointment on Monday went well. He is always full of smiles and charm when he sees the doctors and nurses who are caring for him. The results from his appointment showed that his head has grown 1 cm, and went from the 90th percentile to the 95th percentile, while his little body, weighing in at 14 pounds is in the 6th percentile. The head growth is signifiant.  His neurosurgeon is out of the office until our next appointment on the 22nd, so for now we are still in the observation mode. His soft spot has had no increase in size, so the pressure test is still not doable.  She did recommend that Juddah be evaluated by a physical therapist. It seems his upper body strength and the way he pulls his right leg up and to the side should be looked at, so that is in the works now too.  Juddah will have his EEG on the 17th.So for now, still waiting, still watching, still praying for a miracle healing. I have found myself questioning God, why we have had so many appointments re-scheduled, and times when his doctors are out of the office. It seems like we are doing a lot of waiting.... a lot of praying... and more waiting... I do believe it is so our Lord can and will show Himself strong when He chooses to, reguarding Juddah's condition.. I don't know how or when or why the wait.. but He does, and everyday I must submit myself to His story and not get anxious and try to write my own story.

This week someone asked me how I've been doing these past couple of months being away from everything I know to be comforting in my life... My family, my house, my dog, my routine, all the things that I take refuge in and where I feel the safest.  I really had to stop and think about it, and if I'm honest, these past two weeks have been challenging. I think the mix of Juddah not sleeping well paired with more of the waiting game, took a toll on me, and for a moment had me questioning what I am doing. But as the Lord does so gently, He reminded me of what He has called me to do, and that is to give up self, my wants, my desires, my comforts, my plans! Oh I didn't like writing that. It all looks and sounds so selfish... my my my my......  And all of a sudden He brings to my remembrance Korah, and of those oh so tiny babies laying lifeless and cold on that pile of wet rags one day in September,  and lets my mind and heart go to the place when I thought they were dead, the place my heart thought it would stop, and then the feeling of joy when Juddah first jerked his arm in the air and Berhanu zipped him inside of his hoodie, and I am ashamed of myself for even thinking of my wants.  And the Lord has once again because of His great love for me shows Himself strong thru a pair of big brown hope filled eyes that everyday for the past two months have pierced my very soul, and He reminds me thru those eyes, that it is not about me, and in that moment when Juddah's eyes meet mine, and he reaches for my face, it is easy to forget self.... Thank you Lord for this gift you have given, for this lesson in giving up self and submitting to you. 
In my few moments of my personal pity party this week, I came across this video.... It hit a nerve in me, and I realized that up until just recently I have been holding on tight to that same balance beam.....  

Prayer Warriors needed


heidi grooms said...

I love you and i am praying!!!

Tammy said...

Hey lady... I LOVE this video and it has applied to me in so many circumstances. I will continue to pray for you, and Juddah. I can imagine how hard it must be to be away from all that is familiar and all who love you. God is using you to do mighty things! Thank you for being baby Juddah's advocate and Jesus' hands and feet. Love you sister. ~Texas Tammy :)